6-12, 7:06 #introvert pt.1

I had a simple relaxing life once. It was quiet. Too quiet for those who knew me. ​Everybody was like open up. Interact and get to know people. It will be fun. Meeting new friends is great. Trust me. And then so I did. I conquered my fears and walked outside. But then I started hearing about people’s problems. The general annoying things that people complain about on a regular basis. And the contradictions of their daily lives. Believing one thing yet doing another. I began to notice the genuine lack of social structure that exists in the world. Honestly started giving me a headache. I can see why people who are popular or know a lot of people are always miserable. Nobody really cares about you. Everyone wants to be an individual and not judged by social standards. Except they do things that will get them judged on a daily basis. It’s like walking around a world full of people who are either blind or wearing blindfolds. And everybody yells because they want to be noticed. Screaming for attention. Look at me, look at me. So the world is full of staticky inaudible noise. Of course nobody knows who truly is talking because despite trying to be different everyone looks the same. And this goes on day in and day out. People hoping to interact with one other being that might understand the noise you are making. Maybe someone will try to make sense of what you are doing. Maybe they will even try to help you and tag along on your journey. I’ve been watching this go on for years. Walking amongst the people. This doesn’t seem so fun. It’s actually quite frustrating. Complicated but not in an interesting way. In that makes you question how society manages to function with all this. Enough to make my head spin. I’m not enjoying myself anymore. Being noticed only to have every bit of your character questioned. Society says people like me don’t exist. So when I’m found I’m treated more like a science fair project. Until they lost interest. I wasn’t told they lose interest quick. Maybe it’s the short attention span. Maybe if I understood it more I would enjoy it more. Maybe if I knew the point of it all. Friends are cool but I don’t mind being alone. Then again you can feel alone in the midst of crowds of people. Makes no real difference either way. Now I’m just thinking about going back inside my shell. Where it’s quiet and sensible. Comfortable. I mean at least I understand me. People don’t seem to anyway. All those questions for nothing. Losing hope at this point. Nothing makes sense. Maybe it isn’t supposed to. Maybe I’m supposed to not bad understood. Maybe that’s what will make people interested. But people fear what they don’t understand. Confusing. It was so relaxing before. People aren’t fun anymore. At least I tried. My brain is tired from all this thinking. Maybe I’ll give it another go tomorrow…



9:16, 1-2

Well it’s the top of a new year. Unfortunately for me that means new beginnings. I spent the entire fall season going through the process of moving into a new house. And despite how exciting (and stressful) that experience has been, I managed to lose my camera in the process. Which doubles as bad because it means I actually lost all my photos from my last road trip. So it looks like I’m gonna spend a majority of the year breaking in a new camera and getting brand new equipment. Which is always fun. Hopefully it’s a smooth transition. Welcome to the New Year…


11:48, 12-24

So the presents are finally finished being wrapped. Everything is sitting under the tree looking lovely. Had a good chat with mom and had a couple drinks. Man it feels good to be able to play my piano again. The keys could almost cry over this melody. Feels good to have something again. Looking at the Xmas tree almost makes my spirit choke up. Everything just suddenly hit me. All the hard work might not have translated into how i preferred things look, but I’d be a fool to complain. Went homeless for a month. Thousands of dollars spent. In between packing, moving, working endless hours thanks to holiday season and managing to do it all on no sleep. I’m surprised I’ve been able to stay sane. Times like this wish I could hug something or someone. Just a little relaxation from adulting. This is a plan that was years in the making. We’ve come a long way but the mission has finally been accomplished. As i reflect on my life while looking at this beautiful tree, I can only say thank you. It was all worth it. The most worthy Xmas gift a family can ever receive, a little peace of mind. Happy holidays to all. And to all a good night…


10:55, 12-5 

My Dark Company

​Sometimes my thoughts keep me up at night. Simply to force me to acknowledge that they do exist. They always decide to get restless when my brain wants to relax. It’s as if they just need somebody to talk to. And they won’t let me sleep without having a brief conversation. And so there we lay in bed at night. That’s when the silent shyness takes over. The irony is that they leave me alone during the times of the day when I actually want someone to talk to. When I need acknowledgement. Now that it’s bedtime here we lie awake. Not quite insomnia. Not boredom. Can’t be loneliness. Just me and my dark company…

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